Venting Thread, or FML!

[RMDC]

I can't imagine even trying to justify that behavior with a "this is for your own good" excuse. Please follow your instincts and pull out now! Even if he never drank again and never spoke to you that way again, and if any other outright abusive behavior which might be happening ceased, it's still obvious that this is not a relationship of equality for him but rather one where he can use intimidation and emotional manipulation to pass off his inadequacies as if they're your problems. And it's not bloody likely that he's about to stop treating you this way anyway.

[no_need]

I have to agree with the other comments - the things people say when they're drunk are often the most hurtful precisely because they're said with no filter. I'd be taking notice of who he is when he's been drinking, particularly because you say this has happened more than once. And quite frankly, if he knows he has a "dark side" when he drinks then the considerate thing to do would be to not subject you to it repeatedly.

I know it's going to be hard, but I'd think really hard about ending this.

[Eliste]

i guess what i'm asking this community for is guidance. am i wrong to leave this kind of person, or should i keep going with him in the hopes that if our living situation were to change, we would change with it?

First off *big big hugs*

Secondly, I've been there. I tried thinking that before. For me, it was "well if it was just us, without the stress of others and weird work hours and whatnot, we would be better." It didn't help. In fact, moving made things worse, particularly around the move as that was a stressful time. He got worse during that and never got better. In the end, you can't change him unless he wants to change, but I don't see any indication from your post that either he thinks this is a problem or that he wants to change this.

I can't tell you what to do, and I know it's super hard to be in that situation, but maybe a weekend away, just for you to think, will help you see things a bit more clearly. Remember your priority needs to be your own safety and health- and that includes mental. Don't wait for it to turn physical.

[carand88]

thank you all for your love, guidance, and support. after i posted and read a few comments, i called my parents to help me move. my mother over reacted, slightly, after a call of hers didn't go through and she called the sheriff over to see what was going on. my fiance heard the end part of my phone call with her, and he kind of went into panic mode, so to speak. he started begging me reconsider, telling me he would change, to give him one last chance, that he would stop the drinking and change how he treated me, not knowing that he had gotten so bad. he has never done this before, and i tried very hard to ignore it, but he kept hugging me, kissing my head, and sounding so convincing. i am giving him one last chance. if things don't change, or if my feelings for him don't change, i will go back home with my parents. by the time i had come to this decision and tried to call my parents to not come over, the cops that i was not expecting were already here, trying to figure out what was going on. we explained that no violence occurred, just a rather heated, drunk argument about household chores. they waited for my parents to arrive before they left, i wrote a statement explaining what happened, and told them that i was going to remain there for the night. the cops left, my parents stayed a little longer and we chatted for a few. of course, they tried their best to take me home, and i just assured them that i would be alright. things are weird and complicated for me right now, but i will give him one last chance. he promises he will change, and i believe him, because he has kept promises in the past. i know i'm going against the advice of the people of this forum and my family, but he's on thin ice at the moment, and if he doesn't change his act, it wouldn't take much for me to leave. so thank you all for your advice and guidance.

[blackmageheart]

Alright carand, it's up to you! You don't have to follow what we say at all. Just take care of yourself and if there's the slightest hint of anything untoward, get yourself out of there! <3

[Eliste]

Just make sure that more than "saying" happens. It probably should start with getting rid of the alcohol in the house, so it's not there. If he's not willing to do that, then consider whether his words are what he actually means.

Be safe, first.

[LinkIsMyHomeboy]

I'm hoping for both your sakes that he really means it. Definitely get rid of the alcohol so it's not there to tempt him. Be safe, honey.

[Mishatu]

This is probably just me being young and naive, but I know that if my sweetie started calling me weak, I'd tell him that at least I didn't need alcohol to face my problems. But then again, I normally don't put up with guys who think it would be okay to do that to me (I may or may not have put a couple of guys in their place back in high school). Just remember that you are strong, clever, and you've got a bunch of people behind you all the way ^_^

And if you've gotten through a Zelda game without looking things up, you're already three steps ahead of me xD

[cirestan]

Carand,
What you have described is an alcoholic with anger issues, and it sounds like he has the potential to elevate to physical abuse.
Is it right to leave him? That's up to you.
But if he is not willing or able to get help by himself, then you WILL eventually end up in the hospital, and he will be telling you how sorry he is for putting you there the entire time you are there.
Promises to change based on a fear of loss are empty promises. Any promises an addict make are empty. What he is promising is called "white knuckling" - trying to beat his problem based solely on will-power. If it was that easy there wouldn't be any addicts in the world. If he doesn't start trying to change the root causes of his addiction and anger he will eventually end up right back where he was at his worst. You can choose to be there with him when that happens or you can be somewhere else.

[QueenBex]

Ugh I just answered the door to a Virgin Media salesman. I let the cold in for that!?!? I had to tell him how I can't afford TV, Internet, even a home phone, embarrassing. I can't afford twenty odd quid a month for TV on top of licencing fees. If I could I wouldn't have minded so much about letting a bit of breeze in, why? Because if I could afford to waste twenty quid on TV I'd probably be able to afford to have my heating on!

And on top of that he commented on a puzzle I'm doing on my dining table at the moment. Meaning he just looked over my shoulder and had a good old gander at my flat, right inside, as I had left my living room door open (and music on) in my rush to get to the door. Apart from further embarrassment of the mess of my table area at the moment, he had no need to look into my flat, my private space, my safety zone, my safe haven, my sanctuary and escape from the world. And why the comments on puzzles anyway? Just prolong the time the front door is open letting the cold in. Why couldn't he have just left as soon as he knew I'm too poor...

It's stupid, but it's really kinda upset me. This is why I don't usually answer the door at all...